As I ate cake for breakfast this morning, drank my iced sugary coffee drink and angrily texted my father I wondered "God will I be able to step up and take are of these people (my parents) when they grow older?".
I really don't know.
I know I may never have to or I might have years ahead of me before I ever have to cross that road. However, I thought about it this morning in the quiet of my house. My daughter curled up on the couch watching a movie with her favorite blanket and make a vow... I will never treat her this way. I will never do this....I have made so many inner vows lately.
I have for so many years grieved the relationship I never had and possibly may never have with my parents. I have watched sweet friends of mine lose their mom or dad to accidents and the stupid cancers that so many have been affected by. Friends who had loving, sweet relationships with their folks had to say good bye... So freaking unfair.. Mom and dad's who acted and treated their kids like gifts from above gone one day. Friends are so thankful for the sweet memories and legacy that was left. I wonder when that day comes for me will my heart soften? Right now it is so hard. My heart already grieved a death that hasn't happened. The death of expectations.
Today with coffee and cake my heart is sad. Not angry or bitter. Forgiveness and so much grace is there but for some reason this morning my mind wonders what the next few years could hold for my aging parents.
Will I be able to step up? Be the servant they may need? Will I be able to take care of them when so many years I have felt like nothing to them? Just the thought of it makes me want to scream no way in bloody hell.
However; scripture reminds me:
I can do all things through Christ.
Nothing is impossible with God.
He strengths me.
To forgive.
To love.
That He uses all things for God.
So I may not have to step up today. Someday I may have to. When it is time He will guide me and provide. He will step up even if I am so weak and can not.
That for today is all I need to think of. His strength and not my weakness.
❤️KGB