He is trying to get my attention.
Daughter.
I am at a party. Actually a cook off for a friend of mine and really in bad mood. Well, not a bad mood... Sad. I am sad a lot lately.
Daughter.
My kids are running around. Smiling. Throwing huge rocks into a pond. I hope the owners don't mind.
Daughter.... I hear him. I know He really wants to talk. I really need to talk. I am at a place with no one to talk to. Way out of my comfort zone. But what He wants to discuss.... I just can't go there.
I can feel this tug of going into a season of isolation. I have heard it. Read it. Dreamed it. And this morning He confirmed it.
Ps. 46:10 "Be still and know I am God."
Am I not good enough to do ministry? Am I not forgiven? Am I that crazy? Why cant i just fit in? Be like him or her? The questions are flooding my heart and my mind. I feel like crying. Not here. Not now.
Daughter. Is hard to hear. I look at my own kids. They are adorable. One boy. One girl. Not perfect. One is so loud and crazy it can be embarrassing, but only knows how to be a fun silly kid. I love the free spirit. The other is my strong will child, and the leader. Full of joy, laughter and is called to do big things.
No matter what they do or do not do I love them. I want the best for them. They are more then enough. Somedays I am selfish and I want them all to myself. I never get to spend as much time as I want with them. Crazy busy schedules, between work and the oldest in school. I have to share them. I can't get enough alone time with them. How am I ever going to build up these two? Have a great relationship when I am being pulled in so many directions? When I feel like any minute I could lose it?
I close my eyes and let a few tears fall. I can hear those words.... "Be still and know I am God."
Daughter.. I want the best for you. You are more than enough. I want you all to myself. No schedule. I need to build you up. Heal you. Free you. Build a relationship. I love the free spirit in you. The leader in you! There is a calling in you. I made you to be a leader.
Daughter. Will you trust me?
Amazing how He brings you to a beautiful place. With a hundred plus people and talks to you, about the one thing you don't want to discuss, and using your own kids. Jehovah Sneaky....
Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God."
Seems I am heading into a new season.