In November a friend of mine decided to do a chosen treasure blessing among friends just in time for Christmas. We were asked to sign up to bless someone with an encouraging word and you would also receive a word. So she put every one's name in a bowl (I think) and cast lots (picked names). We had one month to pray for our chosen treasure and deliver it to them.
This was awesome.
See you didn't know who you were going to get and you could get someone you didn't know at all but it didn't matter cause who doesn't need an encouraging word.
I at first didn't really want to do it. I played the what if game in my head. What if I get someone I don't like? What if I don't hear from God... Like he would not - not show up?!? What if the person who got me didn't like me? What if the word I get hurts? However, every time I thought of an excuse to not do it...He kept whispering to me that another needed to hear the truth. So I signed up.
I got an amazing word from God for her and was glad I participated. It is amazing to see him show up in ways that are always wonderful! It does something to your heart that tenderly squeezes life and hope back into it.
As I wait for my chosen treasure's word... I feel a tug on my heart that could only come from him. See even now even after hearing clearly for another and being able to deliver an amazing word to her... I have never felt like a treasure or chosen or a chosen treasure To anyone and to be still waiting for a blessing from a chosen treasure seems to stir up some big emotions and confirm this big fat stinking hole in my heart.
Yet I also know he has been wanting to deal with this hole in my heart and mind my whole life. He especially started confirming it and whispering it since my 30th birthday. He knew this waiting for this word and this excerise would get me to deal with it and to finally start walking in truth. To stop walking around so wounded.
I wish I could say I was dealing with it well. Or that I was POOF magically all better, but this wound is deep. Daily I am shedding tears, asking God where are you, where were you and why can't I just move on from this?!?
On my 30th birthday I got a sign that says of all the people in the earth He chose you. It wrecked me. I put the sign next to my bed and tried to receive it. To believe it. To claim it. But it just never stuck. It has been over a year; almost two.
It always just felt like one of those cliche things that Christians say or put on cute little signs. It seemed like something people say to people like me to fix me or make it all better. It never felt real.
However, I know I even at one time I had felt like that when people said "He loves you". I had always heard "He loves you" and I had brushed it off. Sorta like yeah whatever you say. I just somehow never had felt it. I never believed it. I always had believed God hated me. That I was forgotten or cursed or hated. I had always judged his love based on the way people around me had loved me.
Until one day.
One day during my Rachel's Freedom class (freedom from abortion) all was changed. I felt his love. I didn't just feel him... I saw him. I heard him. I knew it was true. I, from that day forward, believed and knew he did love me and knew that he truly loves all of us.
All those years I had been wrong about him not loving me, and I know that all these years I have been wrong about not being chosen or a chosen treasure. I just sorta figured I was loved but not chosen. Does that make sense? Do you have people in your life that you love but don't want in your life? That is how the lie made me feel.
I am still waiting for the "I am chosen" feeling to be awakened in my mind and my heart. Yet all I feel right now is the big aching hole. I am very aware of the need I have. The want and The desire to be chosen. There, however, is a lack.
The lack that is there is painful. I cry just writing that. During Thanksgiving it was confirmed to me when that lie crept in. I have always known... but it is nice to have confirmation on the exact root. I have always craved being seen or heard or chosen...just like most children do.... But I am adult now not a child. I should be past this.
Hard to get healing from something until you deal with it.
I was not a difficult child. I was just a child.
I was just a child needing to be loved and affirmed. A child that needed to be chosen over an illness, career, friends, television or whatever else was just so dang important...
I am still that child wanting to be chosen over wine, a lawyer, a bad cop mess, bitterness or anger.
I would love to feel wanted or needed or chosen over the email or phone....or the past.
I am still waiting to be chosen. A phone call, a text or a sweet little encouraging note would mean so much. I think those little things would stop the pain.
My love language is time and words. It seems this is also my kryptonite.
You know that saying stick and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me?!? That is a LIE! Words do hurt...in my opinion probably worse than a stick or a stone but for me silence was the stick and stones that broke my bones.
My whole life I have been crippled by something that I never received as a child.
As an adult I am still waiting to be chosen. By strangers. By friends. By family. By leaders. By my mother. To be seen. To be heard. To be enough. To feel like a treasure to them. For someone to see my value.
When growing up I needed words instead of silence to feel seen or heard or chosen. I needed to not feel like I bugged or was a bother. I needed hugs and to be shown that I was loved. Needed. Wanted. These lack of things have left a huge whole in my heart. It has effected me in huge ways.
Wanna hear what else is crazy? I also have a fear of being chosen... Not just a fear of not being chosen.
Rejection, shame, guilt, feelings of failure and many things attacked my heart and mind. I was so (still am) sensitive as a child cause I was hurting... These things attack and attacked daily.
This need in my heart gets in the way of healthy relationships. Friendships hurt cause of my insecurities.
See my mom never seemed to chose me...even now she doesn't.
So why would others?
I wasn't enough for her so why would my friends want me? Why would any one want me. I am constantly reminded of my flaws... To deep... Too negative.. Apologize too much.... So when people do chose me I fear they will (like so many others have) regret chosing me and well run away...or realize I am not a treasure and try to make me one. Which only adds to this nasty life pattern that He is constantly trying to free me from.
That is good news. That is hope. He has the victory and he will free me from this. He couldn't free me from it though until I was willing to go there. To do the heart work. To admit it to myself that I don't believe I am a chosen treasure because of the deep wounds I have. He can't free me because I allow my feelings to weigh in more than what he says.
This post is not to bash my mom or family or friends... Or a pity post or "I am a victim" post. This post is about how God restores. Redeems. How forgiveness and grace is very important. For us to be willing to go to the wounds and let him speak truth over it.
This post is to share how I know what it is like to experience hurt and how the hurt grows into shame, guilt, feelings of rejection, and failure.
This post is to share how the enemy kills steals and destroy but how God restores, rescues and heals. And how He has already won! We can't have victory though if we aren't willing to go there. Go deep! It is worth it!
I hope in sharing where I am today and the things I have struggled with may touch someone out there to ask tough questions and go to those holes in their own heart and be healed! I hope it makes them want to experience freedom and chase after God to see the truth! I hope it brings light to their own wounds so they go to Him and ask for him to help!
We can help lead others by sharing our struggles not by masking them or hiding others from our pain. This post is to only share my struggle, and when you bring things out of darkness He puts His light on it. His strength and peace flood the wound where light shines!
So now where does one go to begin to feel chosen? Or treasured?
I can tell you that no job, ministry, friend, husband, family member, certificate or degree etc etc will ever make you feel like a chosen treasure. I know, cause for me they only did for a little while. I know because He is the only one who can tell you your worth. Your identity.
So I started searching the only place I knew to go to. The bible. What does the bibe say? There is a lot in there:
1 peter. 2:9
Jeremiah 1:5
Deut. 7:8
John 15:16
Eph. 1:11
And many more...
These are the ones I have written down and started guarding my heart and mind with.
I also started to read and re read the stories in the bible on the "chosen" ones. Who were the chosen ones? In my opinion there are many but to name a few Mary, Moses, His disciples and all the ones he healed. These are the stories I am concentrating on and so far I can tell you they were people like you and me. Some of them were total screw-ups. Some were murders. Uneducated. Poor. Yet he chose them. They were still the ones He called. They were chosen. Loved. Healed.
These stories are true and knowing they were chosen makes me believe then he chooses me too. My heart is slowly warming up to truth that I am a chosen treasure. It is not some tongue and check saying. It is truth. It is not a nice idea. It is what I need to know, hear and believe.
I won't need others to pick me because he picked me first. When others don't call or don't invite I can lean on him to know He is always calling on me and inviting me to go further with Him. I still have tough days were I ache but slowly the wound is healing.
I also know during this time that he uses all things for good and that even this wound will be used.
Some days I wonder why do I wait for others to make me feel chosen? He will show me daily that He chooses me. I love to and hope I make my kids, hubby and friends know that they are a treasure to me and my life. I hope they know that I chose them. Maybe that is why I am here. Maybe I am here to make sure others know they are seen and heard and are a treasure... Especially to others that were never made to feel that way. Maybe I can make them feel loved and show them to the one who will never fail them. I can trust that he chose me. I can daily fight to feel like a chosen treasure even when it doesn't feel that way or look that way. If I can trust that and walk this out maybe He can use me to help others realize that truth too.
In Waking The Dead the writer John says "How would you live differently if you believed your heart was the treasure of the kingdom"?
So I will leave you with that. I am currently pondering the same thought and so far my answer is I would live like I was a chosen treasure..... Cliche I know but it is truth and it is a work in progress .... sometimes the simple truths are the hardest place to start, but the most healing.