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So here is my monster-
Don't say that. Don't wear that. They don't like you. You suck. You are a loser. You don't fit in. They don't care about you. If they loved you...
There I am at this place....again. I hear the words flooding my mind. My heart starts to sink. The tears are filling my eyes. Everything in my body tenses up.
My voice starts to quiver.. My hands shake. Instantly I know I am under attack and I just sit there. I just let it happen. Dang! Not this again!
I wish I could say this was years ago. Or even months ago. The truth is this was just Tuesday. The spirit of rejection shows its big fat ugly head again! Again people! And I let it! The lies just came in and crippled me.
The rest of the day I fought. I fought to hear the the truth. I prayed. I put on worship music. I called a friend for prayer. In my heart and mind, I knew the truth. I am not alone. He does not forsake his children. I am loved. He loves me. I am not rejected. However, I just couldn't shake the rejected feeling. This horrible ugly feeling. It made me mad. It made me hurt. It made me hurt others.
I could over and over again in my mind hear the scriptures. The truth verses the lies. I would pray, cry, question and repeat. I asked God to reveal the root... Again. I know from past; I had believed this lie since the womb! 30 years! 30 years of baggage. 30 years of feeling unwanted and unaccepted.
"A baby whose mother feels rejected will most likely feel rejected also." Ouch. "What she may experience in the womb begins to shape attitudes and expectations...." Ugh! There is the root.
I asked him to take the pain. To remind me of all the books I had read, all the freedom sessions and words spoken to me. Nothing happened. I did all the "right" things to do, but still by nightfall I felt WORSE than I had in days. Now I know God was not ignoring me.
But just like any other time this has happened, I eventually had a life to attend to and my emotional mess was put under a mask. Dinner to make and a life group to go to. So I cleaned myself up (cough) -put on a fake smile- and headed out the door. Time to put my feelings aside and hide the pain. I had been too open too many times and I was not going there tonight. I was so sick of faking it but so sick of others treating me crazy.
I may have wanted to fake it but God was up to something. He had a plan. A good plan.
First 10 minutes into the teaching - the lovely and wise teacher said the word rejection. My heart started pounding. She begun to tell a story. A story that made tears just start to fall. I couldn't stop the hurt from coming. A story about rejection from birth! No one else had ever confirmed this.
See the thing is with rejection. I never felt like anyone truly understood. I never felt that anyone really cared. I felt like a project to most people. Their little friend that they had to pray for. Being the good christian and taking on the sad girl. My heart and mind was so clouded that it would not matter what they said or did. Their love or intent was never really seen or heard. I would be set free in their eyes or doing better only because I got good at hiding. Just not speaking. Just not joining in. Putting on a show, smiling and holding back the real me. Each time the rejection had came back with a vengeance. Now there are some people that really helped and brought freedom in so many other areas, or truly introduced me to God and His love and grace.... But rejection just always was a problem and never really went away. A daily battle.
I stayed after and just poured my heart out to this sweet teacher. The things I knew and yet the way I felt, and I could never get it to line up. I shared more with her than I had ever wanted to before with anyone, I knew this was God. A safe place. He silenced the lies and gave me a voice. He stopped the attacks. I wanted freedom, healing, and I knew it needed to stop right then and there. I knew He was leading me down that path.
She prayed things that only God could have given her words to speak. Words and hearts desires that only He knew of. God was whispering His own confirmations to my soul. She not only prayed but spoke words of encouragement, spoke of things like she had been walking with me for years, God was speaking through her. God was breaking down my self defense. He was allowing the pain to come up like vomit so once and for all it was finished.
That spirit of rejection left before I even got off that couch. I can't explain how this is different than before, I just know it is. I can see the victory. I had never felt it actualIy gone before. I started most days battling it upon waking up! But when I left that house, I had a smile. A real smile.
God came in Tuesday night and gave me a new truth and spoke straight to my heart. He will keep killing that ugly monster if it should ever try to appear again; and all I need to do is claim the victory. For the first time in 30 years I am not a slave to that feeling. Take that rejection! You are not invited to this life anymore.
I am loved. I am favored. I am His special treasure.