The last few weeks have been a little rough around here. I struggle to put into words the things in my heart and mind. If I shared or said exactly what I wanted to....well it would not be pretty, would hurt some people and would only create more crap for my head and heart to filter through. ... So a filter is best here.
So what has been going on. Sickness. A visit from family that was completely heart breaking. Bad weather. Cabin fever. All of this left me in a funk. However, it has left this girl reaching for God even more.
Looking for him in all that happened in 2013. I long for a new season. I long for the hurt to be used for good. I long to see some doors open. I long to see justice and for others to see me for the way He made me. Not for the way they think they see me. The wilderness is so very good but it's been so very long... So very trying......
The wilderness walk I have been on for years now keeps stretching me and taking me places that honestly have not always been fun. However, the growth is needed. The growth is what has to happen to reach my purpose in life.
As we approach 2014 I realized that 2013 didn't really end like I had hope it would have.
I had hope to be on staff at church I was completely involved in.I had hope to have started a little photography business just for complete fun. I had hope to write a lot more and have a book almost complete. I had hope to be leading, teaching and ministering to others in an area dear to my heart. I had hope that I would no longer see my self as a person in the back row; waiting to be picked for the team. A person waiting to feel good enough to be that friend. A lady waiting to see if any one would find any of my talents or strengths enough. If any one would stop only picking out my weakness.
These things were my ideas, my desires and hopes for 2013.
His desire outweighed mine. His hope for 2013 was more about me resting completely in Him. To see my value in him. To know no matter what others saw or didn't see or what was said or wasn't said did not matter compared to what he saw or said. He desire was complete trust and joy. He wanted to see a blooming in me that only he could do in my heart.
It has not always be fun. Some days have been a down right war in my heart and mind. I am sure those days will still come and go.
There were some wonderful things in 2013. Heartquest came and recovered my heart. My heart had been broken for so long that some where I had forgotten who He made me to be. He gave me a passion to write, to capture photos and to minister all in a way that doesn't mean staying in the cozy comfort of a church. To walk out on the water. To take a risk. These desires are from Him... My hope is in him and these I will see fruit in....in his timing not mine. That he is a God of order and perfect timing.
Something beautiful is going to happen all because He does work all things for his good. He does turn ashes into beauty.
I can celebrate 2013 instead of grumbling about what could have happened or
what should have happened. I can celebrate 2013 because of what he is doing in me and through me. I can thank him and love him even for the things that still a struggle because my faith in 2013 survived and grew when it seemed like I should have given up.
The 2013 may be coming to an end but 2013 was just the beginning for me. Just the beginning of a new me, a new reflection in my life and a new frame around the work He is doing.
What about you?! Was 2013 a year to
remember? Or a year you would rather forget? A year that was great or a year plagued with awful memories Are you looking a head to 2014 as being better or worried that things could get worse?
See I would challenge you to not look at the new year as your hero but to look at God. The one and only who makes things new. A number doesn't do that. Only God can. In every thing there is a purpose.
Maybe 2013 was amazing and maybe it was not; no matter 2014 holds I am counting on the one who holds it. Counting on the one who knows what is ahead. What are you counting on? A new year or new season, or a faithful good God? A new number or new year doesn't give you the assurance, perspective or hope like God does. Fix your eyes on him not the calendar.
2013 could be only the beginning for you, too.