She is on the floor again. Melt down number five in a thirty minute class. All I can do is laugh as tears swell up- falling before I can even stop them.
My heart is trying to fight off the shame. A war that seems to only be getting harder everyday.
In my mind this is a big deal. In my mind I want to control it. Control the melt down. Control her. Control the thoughts of all the stares coming my way.
I wanna scream we know! I know! She is four! Too old for this I know! Yes we have read that book and that one too! Oh we have spanked, we have grounded.... We have ignored, rewarded and hell we have even tried to bribe!
It's not black and white like everyone wants to make it. It's not black and white like I ,too, want it to be.
Do you really want it to be black and white? He writes on my heart. Are you sure you want a colorless world? A world where my grace is able to exist is colorful.
Oh but God! Oh my heart; my heart breaks. The momma in me wants to run to her. Pick her up. Cradle her. Kiss her over and over again until the courage bubbles up in her and a fire of boldness lights. I want her heart to soar. I want others to see that girl. Not this one.
You can't fix her. Just love her. You can't control her. Just love her. You can't have it black and white. Just give her grace.
Words I know. How many times has he written these on my heart? Written them to me for me? For her? For others?
How many people have tried to fix me? Aren't I doing what I hate others doing to me? Don't I hate that others have tried to put me in their colorless world?
He promises he is holding her head while she cries on the floor. He promises the glares are blocked as he stands before me. He promises I am not a failure. He cheers me on to look up and see the opportunity to just love.....to paint the world with colorful grace.
He whispers and wipes the tears.It is not black or white. My grace is not black or white. If it was black and white where would grace be? How can grace, my grace, enter if there isn't a chance to show grace?
I can't fix her. I can't control her. Oh how I want to fix this. Oh how I want to control these meltdowns. Jesus help me. I am broken. Worn. Tired. I am worried and scared. This is my baby. This is my heart out there on the ground. She is wounded but I don't know how to stop the pain.
I don't know how to stop the shame when my heart acts up like this.
As each questions come....I see a different color. A different chance or opportunity to paint my world with a wonderful new color......
Tears.....splash of blue....grace
Anger.....splash of red......grace
Fear......splash of black.....grace
Jealousy......splash of white....grace
Love....splash of green.....grace
The colors of grace splattered every where are going to be prettier than the black and white box I thought I wanted her in.