The little girl waits for her daddy to see her dance at her recital. He never came. The lies start.
Am I loved?
The young women waits for her mom to take her shopping, or to talk to her about boys. She never turns off the television. The lies get worse.
Am I picked?
The grown women waits for deep friendships. A job, a purpose, a calling. Her phone to ring. For the invitation. The feeling of the black sheep to disappear. The lies are confirmed.
Am I chosen?!
I realized this morning there are some questions in my heart and mind lately that I cannot stop asking. Questions I ponder daily.
This morning this heart and mind of mine let the pain surfaced. I asked for it. I needed the thoughts and memories to come. Shoving them deep down was not helping me. Making myself not deal and trying to forget was only making these feelings worse.
So the memories start flooding to the surface. The pain brought me to my knees.
Where do I start? Years ago? Weeks ago? Last night?
The list goes on. All has the same theme.
Not qualified. Not good enough.
A part of me constantly feels like the "d" team. Not part of something. The person on the bottom of the list.
Someone who no one ever notices. Like the black sheep.
I never feel apart or like I belong. The outsider always looking in.
It no longer feels like rejection, but more like an alien in a foreign planet. A social butterfly that floats from one group or another.
I am sick of feeling like this. Angry at myself for the years wasted and the lies I have believed. Sad for letting my heart and mind be taken over. Lost on what to do and where to go from here.
Break through and healing has been coming. Some things are quick and well others are painfully slowly. Growth and identity are being established.
The girl that was in the back row and trying to just survive each day is now determined to find her voice. To find her self worth. To hear who she is. To know that she is loved. To realize that she is picked. To confidently walk like she is chosen.
Some days she believes and some days she hides.