I should have known. I mean life is not easy right? I mean I don't know why I thought after Heart Quest life would be easier. I guess a part of me just hoped that I would come home and life would be all better. Perfect. Clean. Shiny. New.
I mean three days before I left I had no idea where my son was going to school or if he was going. Also, I had been praying for a job. However, after applying for 32 jobs- I had given up. Add to list: I had been praying for a school for my daughter or a way to afford a school for her. So, three days before I left I just thought well I am going to have to wait until I get home. I was also praying for healing to come after some major life disappointments, guidance on a wonderful but wild daughter, and for some desires of mine to either go away or to see some fruit.
Then Monday, the day before I was leaving; my son's school accepted his application! Check! He is going to school! Hallelujah! Happy dance!
Then on Monday, I had an interview at a preschool for an admin job at a preschool. I go for the interview and I got the job! On top of that my daughter gets to go to school.... For free! So this job would help with finances and she might actually learn!
An offer came through in some other things that made me feel wanted and needed; it gave me a thought of maybe a harvest was on its way. That maybe all my hard work is seen, and noticed. That just maybe I was not invisible.
So it seemed like my ducks were in a row and I was leaving on a jet plane (cough a bus) headed to the promise land of freedom and when I came home life would be PERFECT! Okay- well not perfect but a new season. I was so stoked. I have very much felt like Job from the bible except I am not Job. My faith has been shaken, stirred, and I feel like I have failed! He passed with flying colors and I got a big fat F! I was worn! Tired! Weary!
So, a better season made my heart leap for joy! A new season that I thought was going to put me on a better path. Well.... I was wrong. Very wrong.
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
James 1:2-4 ESV
Excuse me. But this verse taken from James makes me think that the writer was high; maybe drunk. Maybe he was possibly enjoying life and just had no clue of the troubles many were (or would) walk through. Really easy to write this if your life is " perfect " and you do not know of real struggles.
However, this writer we don't really know what his life was like. We don't really know who the writer is. Some believe it was an early pastor, some believe it could be James the brother of Jesus; regardless of who it was this verse was written in truth. He may have encountered some horrible trials, or maybe he had walked with others who had- either way he was trying to give us hope when we encountered trials.
Which is really healing to me in this season of life.
I came home with a very tender heart so some things that I came home to are really touching some very sore areas.
I came home to my son still being able to go to the school we want him to go to. Which is still a huge blessing! However, most everything else is a mess.
I so badly want to help and feel involved in a ministry but keep feeling like I am not needed, wanted or qualified to help.
Something I strongly felt called to do was suddenly taken away. I heard clearly and obeyed. Once again though it seemed like my crazy ideas were not good enough.
My new job is a mess. What I was hired to do and what I am being trained to do is two very different things. It is very stressful and now I am not sure what to do. Do I keep going and do this job so my daughter can go to school for free? No matter what it may do to me and my heart?
I am not sure if I am hearing God. Maybe this job was Him or was it me. So when going from hearing to doubting that you are hearing, lots of questions are raised.
My daughter is struggling in school. There are a lot of stuggles with my beautiful smart girl. Going from no school to school for 7 hours a day, five days a week is tough. She has always been very independent and not a follower; so rules and obedience we constantly struggle with. She has been kicked out of church (yep, seriously) and seemed to have been constantly be in trouble there.
So, I somehow feel like a huge failure in the parenting department because of this. Even though I know I am a good parent. Even though others give me a ton of advice and each time they do I want to shake them and say "don't you think I have tried that!?!" However I don't I just tear up and say thank you. I tuck away the shame and failure feelings deep into my heart.
So I left with my ducks in a row and came home to things still falling apart around me. It also can almost seem worse than before. I was really hoping for a new season. A walk in the promise land. A hope had risen in me like I never thought possible!
Why am I telling you this? It sounds like stupid little things for me go be getting upset about, huh? I know many would say I have it good compared to others. Honestly, I know that things could be worse. These simple trials that I am enduring as a parent, as an employee, as a daughter of the high king are just part of this fallen world. That does not mean though that I am not tired or worn.
I shared this because my life is not perfect yet each and every day I would still chose God. I would still chose to believe that someone else is in control. That God has good plans for me. That God loves me and will never leave me or forsake me. That God sees me and hears me. That when everything around me looks like and feels like HELL; He is faithful and He brings peace and comfort to my head and heart regardless of what my circumstance is.
I mention all the nitty gritty things because according to his word I know that through all this crap, no matter how much it hurts or just plain annoys me that I am walking through it so "you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing".
That gives me hope, and that makes me smile knowing I am being transformed. Whatever you are walking through have hope that He is doing the same for you.