Until this morning, my thoughts and atttude towards the word surrender was not pretty . . I went to bed feeling completely discouraged and woke up in a daze of okay now what. God I have failed. I do not know what my gifting or passion is. I am not sure my gifts are truly gifts or strengths. Where do I go now? I feel rejected, alone and completely tired inside and out.
Well this morning he wanted to talk about that. He took my hand and spoke to my heart.
I do two different bible studies- my first on is normally a daily reading plan. I start with worship music and write down what he is saying to me. Before I played the first song I got the words " I surrender" so I wrote it down as the title of today's devotion and prayed "I know I need to surrender my dreams and pride and plans and my heart.... But God I don't know what that means. It feels so like giving up and I already feel like a failure! How do I give up on my dreams and passion when I don't really even know what that looks like?!" Tears. Already seems like this time is off to a bad start.
So I play the first song on you tube this morning under suggestion was Surrender by Hillsong. Lyrics says on my knees again I want I know you more- desperate for you. Next song I surrender by Lincoln Brewster (I think) . I give you my heart my dreams I am giving up my pride for the promise of a new life. All of my dreams all of me. Promise of a new life.
While listening to this song my heart perked up. Promise of a new life is worth surrending isn't it? I feel like I am giving up because that is what the world says. That is what the enemy wants us to believe.
While listening to this song I noticed I wrote down 3 times surrender does not mean giving up! Amazing that we associate surrender with raising the white flag, giving up, losing a battle or epic war.
My feelings were based on what I had been taught but not the truth. So I looked
up the meaning of surrender:
sur·ren·der
/səˈrendər/
Verb
Cease resistance to an enemy or opponent and submit to their authority.
Noun
The action of surrendering.
Synonyms
verb. yield - give in - submit - give up - capitulate
noun. capitulation - delivery - resignation
Another:
sur·ren·der (s-rndr)
v. sur·ren·dered, sur·ren·der·ing, sur·ren·ders
v.tr.
1. To relinquish possession or control of to another because of demand or compulsion.
2. To give up in favor of another.
3. To give up or give back (something that has been granted): surrender a contractual right.
4. To give up or abandon: surrender all hope.
5. To give over or resign (oneself) to something, as to an emotion: surrendered himself to grief.
6. Law To restore (an estate, for example), especially to give up (a lease) before expiration of the term.
v.intr.
To give oneself up, as to an enemy.
n.
1. The act or an instance of surrendering.
2. Law
a. The delivery of a prisoner, fugitive from justice, or other principal in a suit into legal custody.
b. The act of surrendering or of being surrendered to bail.
c. Restoration of an estate.
So basically the "world" definition is giving up but what does my father say about surrendering?
The believers definition: cease of fighting, putting aside self (or dying to self) in favor of divine influence; surrender is obedience.
Wow! Divine influence. That does not sound like giving up. That sounds like a mentor or partnership.
So, before I go to my second devotion Jesus Calling; I start wondering about this surrender is obedience. I have been wondering a lot about all the training classes I have been through. Wondering why He has led me to each one. Each one so different, really wanting to narrow in on one specific calling. Again, my heart is troubled with failure and God where are we going?
So then I read Jesus Calling which basically says training you to practice peace over powers darkness. Collaborate with me in this training. Do not grow weary and lose heart. So I looked up collaborate, in case you haven't noticed, I like to look up definitions cause sometimes you think you know a word and it shocks you when it has another meaning.
Collaborate - working together to achieve a goal. A common goal. Identical goal.
This is done through the emptying or dying of self, the "putting self aside" in favor of divine influence.
Whoa! Looks like I need to surrender.