I know some people say we give the enemy way too much power and credit- stay kingdom focused and yet for me I can see how he (the enemy) truly is out there battling. Always giving everything he has to keep people down-trapped- insecure- scared.... I think we should help people realize that God has all victory and all the power, but shouldn't we also open their eyes to the war on their hearts? Their minds? Their life?
I never really understood spiritual warfare or attacks until lately. So now really seeing the enemy and his intentions- I tend to struggle even more; its like my natural eyes and spiritual eyes fight against each other.... Daily. My head and heart should be on the same team, why so often are they not?
When I was young I thought I was cursed! Then going back to church I thought okay not cursed, punished and then somewhere that idea was thrown out too. I am not cursed or punished so what the hell is this?!?
I had heard about this unseen spiritual war going and but until January it never made a whole lot of sense. I was not even sure I really believed it. Then I started reading Waking The Dead and upon finishing it in May- yes I know - it took a long time. I normally can finish a book in a few hours- but this book seemed like I was to pay attention, take notes and that I did. I am so glad I did. I am seeing things I have never seen before.
This war is going on around me. It is, also, in my head and heart. It also is against my heart and head. I want to believe this and not that and yet there is this internal struggle that I can't explain. Many understand this feeling.
I have for weeks been under some intense internal struggle that I really can't explain to people what all my heart and head have gone through. All the lies, the truths, the memories..... the hurt, the pain, the words....... all at the same time.
I have tried to reach out and explain it but it gets all weird and complicated- I then end up adding another mark to this imaginary list of "people who will always think I am screwed up" . It is in my head but have you ever felt like there are some people no matter what you do or how you change they will never forget? Always waiting for that "other" person to come back?
Anyways- many days I feel like a complete waste. Thoughts of it will never be different....I will never change.. Complete sense of loss- loss of hope....loss of dreams.... Loss of friends... Weary and tired. Going through all the things in my life that people have called me....
The good....the bad..... The ugly.
But that is not the end of this post. Because God doesn't work like that.
See yesterday was my darkest day. I have had some pretty dark ones but yesterday felt like death. I could see black dots everywhere. This is not the first time those have made an appearance. They have appeared often. Seemed like always when the pressure is just too much. My heart and mind were not even fighting. They too were just not in the mood.
I couldn't turn on praise music. I, for the first time all year, didn't open my bible or read any encouraging Christian book. I prayed a simple okay God, now what. I am at loss, feeling like a loss cause. And if I am not, I do not know anymore what to do- Amen - kind of prayer.
Seriously- I didn't do anything. No dishes or laundry. I zoned out and said no to the world. I allowed the darkness to completely scream at me. To say all the mean things it wanted to say, to laugh in my face. I never once doubted God or His love or existence but I doubted me. The black dots got more intense.
I kept waiting for it to go completely black but it never did. I know this all sounds crazy! I can hear the thoughts of people saying no! Hold those thoughts captive! Praise him! Sing! Turn on music don't allow this or go there. It's dangerous to do that.
Well, I did go there. I had been trying so hard for so long and I needed to stop trying so hard. Honestly, I had nothing left to try with- I stopped trying to figure it all out and was going to let someone else show me.
And the spiritual warfare that had already been going on, went into a full battle.
See all this time... This war has been going on... But this time it was out of my hands. Before yesterday I was doing things that everyone else told me to do, but this war was almost like a battle for my attention. My full attention. It was like this battle was a game changer. A battle that had been going off and on for years. Some days one side would win and make huge strides, but then the next day the other side would win.
The weapon seemed to be words. I was still only listening to the words of others. The words of others who had great intentions. Who wanted to love and help but were not from the one who gave me life. They wanted to fix me, shape me, and make it all better.
He had never stopped speaking. I had never stopped listening. I had never stop listening to Him, but the words of others seemed to scream compared to his whispers.
Now hear me out the bible and worship music and all the great resources out there are great and we need to turn to them. We should hold our thoughts captive, think of pure things and all that other great stuff, however, in my own best way that I can explain... I needed more. At this particular time in my life I needed something. We are all different and need different things. I can't explain this all very well except I had been doing all the right things and I even had heard some pretty awesome things from God but yesterday my mind and heart were so far beyond that comfort that I needed a totally different experience.
God, my creator, of course knew that and when I stopped and allowed the darkness to fall over me; He protected me with that more I needed. A different approach to the war.
It all starts here:
I walked out of a McDonalds and the small of swisher sweets hit me. I remembered all times we drove around smoking our fun little flavored cigars and just singing and looking at the stars. But the memory that came back most was of my dear sweet friend. How she loved me just the way I was. She never tried to fix me....Or change me .... It didn't matter if I was sad and negative or complaining- it did not matter if I was happy and laughing, she never pointed out flaws or faults- even after the abortion- she didn't stop being my friend.
I find myself stuck in this rough area of my life where I don't know who I am. I don't know if there is any hope left in me. I have tried so many times in my life to be who ever someone else wanted me to be- or fix things people didn't like that now I wonder what if this is who I am- the girl who has a real look on life and not a negative. The lady who laughs but doesn't smile a lot. The woman who just never quite fits in and stands out in an almost annoying way... I don't know but today that smell brought me back to the one person in my life who never cared.... Only loved me.... And it reminds God loves me just like that. Just the way I am.
He does not care what others say or what others try to fix or what others think I can be or will be... He just loves me.... His words are all that should matter.
All because of a smell....the black dots start going away.
Soon after McDonald's, I am reminded of my plants. I have plants that I am trying to get some produce from. Peppers, tomatoes and etc. My first year of farming has been very much a flop. Until a few days ago.
See I have a few plants that I had stopped watering. Stopped caring about. Stopped trying to fix with bug spray and fertilizer etc. One evening my kids yelled with excitement- look mom a green pepper. Even when I thought all was hopeless, a loss cause... God showed me it was not. There is always hope, and no loss cause. I had just had these amazing words spoken to me a few days before and yet I had already taken them for granted and had forgotten them. He had not. He tried to warn me about the darkness.
He took me back outside to that plant. 2013 this was suppose to be a year of blooming for me. The words I clearly heard, but had given up on. I had stop believing I could bloom or grow. He had not.
See my plants did not bloom when I was trying to make them. They bloomed when I stopped caring, not when I cared. It was like they did not need my love or approval to grow or bloom. They bloomed when nature took over. They bloomed when the creator of nature made them to bloom. Not on my efforts or my time table. They grew when no one was watching them or cared for them; they grew not for me but for themselves. They depended only on the light and whatever He gave them. They grew even in the dark. It was never because of me that they bloomed. They were showing me how to do it. How to bloom: I only need him.
He pointed out a few new blooms. New peppers, tomatoes and jalapeños. All my plants had one new bloom on them. They had change and I had not noticed. They didn't care. The battle today is over. He has won. His words fill up my head and heart.
You bloom. You are not a loss cause. The darkness will not win.
Darkness will not win.
You have always been and always will be a fighter. You are blooming in this fight.
New words that no one has spoken before. A fighter, this word has victory over others.
The black spots are gone. The only word in my head and heart today- fighter.
❤KGB