The Shirelles in 1961 sang "mama said there'll be days like this" but long before they sang that song His word declared "when anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul" Psalm 94:19. The message says it this way "when I was upset and beside myself you calmed me down and cheered me up." See God is not surprised by our anxiety, stress, fear, sadness...lack of trust. He can handle it and already knows about it! Sometimes we get upset. He knew we would have bad days and He is ready to calm you down and cheer you up! Will you let him?
Who is The Lord to you? Recently I was asked this question. Seems like a fairly "easy" question, but when asked I froze. See my head had all the "right" Christian answers. I read my bible. I go to church, attend the classes and go to bible studies. However, it seems when this question was asked my head was screaming "You know this!! creator!! and sustainer of the universe!! hellllooo- omniscience, omnipotence, omnipresence omnibenevolence; Lord of heaven and earth!!!???" My head was shouting these to me. Which these are all correct answers, but when asked the question my immediately answer was "what do you mean". (a.k.a I have no idea). My heart was silent. My head knew these things but my heart seemed asleep.... or like it missed that sermon that day. Does it seem to you that your head can know things but your heart does not? Like somewhere there is a disconnect? I think lately God has been fixing these disconnects. So I found myself realizing I didn't truly know who The Lord was. I have the head knowledge but not the heart relationship. I thought a great example of this was from a sweet friend: there are things we know about people that we can get from their Facebook status or twitter post or the Internet but we don't truly know them or have a relationship with them, so some things we know doesn't mean anything to our heart. We just know what we read- no real face to face connection. I just love that! So we have the head knowledge of things about them, but we don't really have a one on one relationship with them. So our hearts may not feel a connection with the knowledge of really knowing this person. So my heart needed to connect with him, not just read things and know things. After she asked this Todd White came to church and preached about trials and it was amazing. But the one thing he said that stuck was "if you don't know who The Lord is, you won't look at trials the right way!" Seems like God was wanting me to pay attention, to wake up...to be connected. So I started asking Lord who are you? Who are you to me?! I know this certain things, the right trained Christian answer, but my heart seems to not be so sure. How long had my heart not been on the same page as my head? Probably awhile. So after leaving church I read and read and read.... and read some more. I started with His word. Looking for the words to jump at me. Looking for a highlighted section that would start a fire so deep in me that NOTHING would extinguish it! I read past words given to me. I read Jesus Calling and several other devotionals and prayed. I listened to songs and wrote down lyrics. I cried and prayed. I wrote everything down that jumped off the page. It seemed like everyone knew who He was and somewhere along the way I realized I had known at one time too, but trials in my life had made me confused, and doubt had come in. I had allowed the thief to kill, steal and destroy in my heart; the truth is haven't we all at one time and another? However, in the midst of a trial He knew who I was. He knew where I was, and just like He has always done; He showed up in the perfect time. He had not left me. He knew the right time to start speaking to me. He is never early and never late a friend once told me; I am starting to understand that. My heart is listening. My heart is soaking it up like a sponge! Yes that is right is. See the thing I am learning is the journey we are on is constant. You are and will always be learning! You will always be revealed new things! He is alive and still speaks today. So right now on this journey this is what my heart has connected to AND is holding on to. This is who The Lord is to me... And I hope this helps you... Read Isaiah 12:2 - here is my version- the highlighted words in my bible: I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord is my strength ! He has become my salvation. He is my salvation. He has (HAS) BECOME my salvation. I WILL TRUST! I will NOT be afraid! HE is my strength. Salvation: deliverance from sin and its consequences! Rescue! Saving! Redemption! Deliverance! Escape. Salvation is being delivered from harm, ruin or loss. This is who The Lord is. My heart knows it. Does yours? Will you connect with this truth and let Him be your salvation? C.S. Lewis says "Do not let your happiness depend on something you may lose." If we base out happiness on things or jobs or people we might be looking for happiness.... always. His word, the bible, says "My hope is in you." PS. 39:7 Hope means: expectation-expectancy-expectance- trust or promise. Hope is a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. So when you put your hope in Him then you will find true happiness! Because he will never fail you! He will provide all things that your heart needs. Today will you look to him? Will you allow him to provide your happiness? God met me more than half way. PS. 34:4-6 MSG When in a moment of UGH do you run to him or from him? Do you wonder what am I going to do now? Do you know that He is for you! This is not just some "Christian church talk" here. This is TRUTH! He promises that He is for you! He wants you to run to Him! Trust Him! He can take it! He can and WILL handle it. Today of all days to not have a camera with me. Seriously. Epic Fail. I wish I could have capture the beauty of the rainbow I saw. I told my husband it was by far the prettiest thing I had ever seen in my life. I wanted to share this beautiful scene with others. Some things are just for you. Some things can't be captured. He begins to whisper. This is so cool I just want to share!!! This is for you. You can't capture uniqueness. My son and daughter got to see what I saw. Their eyes shared a site that I can only describe as beautiful. My daughter is so young she will forget. My son is so young he doesn't really know what we just saw. Just for you. A gift. It was so unique. A rainbow that was not like any other rainbow. It was a rainbow that didn't fit the cookie cutter rainbow we normally see. I have never seen anything like this before. Unique. Gift. There was no rain. It was a very sunny day. A few clouds, but in the sky a rainbow. It was a straight line rainbow- no curve and just hanging in the sky. The colors in it were amazing! Red, orange, teal, green, purple, blue, yellow and it had a shimmer to it. Now you might be thinking I was hallucinating but I assure you I did not. A rainbow that didn't fit the typical mold of a rainbow. My eyes couldn't stop watching it. It was so pretty. So many colors. So unique. So not typical. So random. So out of the blue. Just like you. I cried. My Heavenly Father spoke words to me that I needed to hear. Just like you. I promise, you shimmer. Just like me. I love color. I do. I am not typical. I am pretty random. I am not like others. I tend to do things differently than everyone else. I tend to hate myself a lot for being so different. What others see as gifts, I tend to crave to be "normal". I shimmer in all the wrong places. My masterpiece. You are. I got home and tried to take a snap shot but nothing was left in the sky by the time I hit the button. Just for you. I sat in the backyard for a long time. I just cried. He seriously is listening. I have lately been speaking a lot to him about self acceptance. Speaking to him about things in my heart. Things that are broken in my heart and mind. The pure lonely feeling that consumes me. I have been pursuing friendships (which is a blog all by itself) that haven't really been working out. I have found myself in trouble again for something I did not do. I am feeling shame from a place that I should not feel shame from. I want to run yet my body can not run due to a bad knee. I need to be refreshed. Where is the reset button? My birthday is a few days away and I feel like I am having a midlife crisis. At age 31?! Oh what a mess. You are my unique gift. I couldn't capture the beauty He put infront of me today with a camera. But I did capture what He said and what He showed me in my weary heart. He captured me this afternoon. He showed me how I have allowed others to capture my attention and my heart in all the wrong ways. I allow them to try to capture me, however you can't capture uniqueness. Since others have my attention, my shimmer doesn't come through. Only He can capture my true shimmer. He is the only one who can capture it all Some things I cannot capture, but He can. Just like others I want to capture things to share or to remind others when reality is only He can do that. I know a rainbow is symbolic to a promise. I am pretty certain my promise was a reset. He pushed that button today. I know that normally when I am in a funk- rain normally comes in the natural and "washes" it away. It seems to renew me in a way I can't explain but today there was no rain. Just a random unique rainbow that was just for me. A new promise. I couldn't capture Him, but He captured me. This morning while brushing my teeth my daughter comes into the bathroom and a very serious concern voice she ask "do you like me!?". I have a had a messy few days. I will be 31 next week and I am still mulling over something that was said or not said. Things I did or didn't do. This feeling like I ruin everything keeps coming to my mind. I am fully aware that I am forgiven. Will be defended. He will restore. Justice and truth will win. Yet the feelings won't go away. I know the truth in my head but the heart is still grieving. My heart takes a few days to catch up. This unsettling injustice has been affecting the whole family. We are all at lost on what to do next. Sometimes the best thing to do in times like this is just rest. So resting is what we are doing and in the resting I keep bringing some questions to the table. Do you like me? Is the big one. Hearing my three year old day it out loud makes it ring even louder in my own head. In all honesty how many of us remember writing that question down on a piece of paper and passing it to the kid next to us when we were younger? We always wanted the answer to that question to be yes, but when the answer wasn't not yes what was your reaction? Hurt? Anger? Rejection? Disbelief? Or did you shrug it off and not care? Did you just rewrite it and send it to someone else? Or maybe you were never brave enough to ask that question? I believe I was that girl. I was never brave enough to ask that question. I think I already assumed the answer to that question was a big fat no and so why even ask. I, of course, did not really know the answer and maybe the answer would have been yes but it didn't matter. I was never brave enough to ask. I think somewhere in my life I had asked myself that question and wrote to the side maybe and circled that as my answer. Until lately. Self acceptance.... Ah yes a big one. Do you like me sorta starts with you. Do you like you? Are you brave enough to ask yourself that? I would guess most of us would say yes and some would say no. Many of us are walking around asking others if they like us when we should start by asking ourselves. Many of us are waiting for others to speak life into us and we are counting on their friendship, their love, their words to fills us up; when reality is they will never be able to fill you up. Their time, their words, their love, and their efforts will never be able to fully answer the question do you like me. It will never be enough. Your heart will daily will want to know. Do you like me can only be answered by the one who made you. When you truly hear it from Him then and only then when you stop asking others. You can also bet on that He not only likes you but He loves you! HE LOVES YOU WITH ALL HIS HEART AND HIS LOVE IS TRULY UNCONDITIONAL. Now I know some of you may read that and not understand that or think oh there is that "He loves me" talk again. Trust me I know I use to think that too! I use to read He loves you or hear someone preach He loves you and yet it never made sense to me. I always judged His love by the way others loved me. I based His love from the way my mom loved me. The way my dad, my sister, my family, my friends, my boyfriend etc etc. I was comparing His love based on my experiences with love and I was so wrong! Their love is not the same. He made me! He made you! He knew me before anyone else did! He knew you before anyone else did! He knew everything about you before you ever took your first breath! His love is not like anyone else's love. As soon as you realize and stop comparing His love to the love you have experienced from that person or this person; then and only then will you fully receive and feel His love just for you. So when you fully are able to say, hear and read He loves you with no comparison, it will then help you bring some big questions to the the table. Big questions. Like do you like you? Yep there you have it again. Do you like me begins with self acceptance. It all begins with you asking yourself do you like you? What is stopping you? Self hate? Self forgiveness? See I am marking off the maybe. Erasing something I mentally wrote years ago. The maybe is no longer an acceptable answer. Completely erasing it and brave enough to ask myself do you like me? And I am going to circle the big fat yes. I do like me. I am going to be brave and ask myself and stop asking others. Since He loves me, I need to love myself. I need to quit believing that I am a mistake. God does not make mistakes. Not liking yourself is almost like telling your creator that you are a mistake. It is like telling Him umm excuse me what were you thinking?! Self acceptance is where it all starts. Self acceptance is being able to take your heart and mind to your heavenly father, your creator and saying I know you not only like me, you love me. I know that you do not make mistakes. I will accept myself the way you made me and FORGIVE myself from the years of self hate. I will no longer believe that I ruin everything. I will no longer walk around asking others to tell me if they like me or not. I will ask the only one who is able to answer that question fully. And His answers is always yes. Hearing His yes and your yes together will change your heart. Having a heart change is pretty awesome. Will you today ask yourself the important question Do you like me?! Will you today check the box YES!? His love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me.... ❤KGB There is a bathing suit on the couch. One in the dryer. One in the washer. One on the drying rack and one on my daughter. This can only mean one thing: Waterpark Season has begun!
Anyone who knows me, knows where to find me during the summer. I am located by the wave pool at our local waterpark at 10 in the morning until about 2pm. Somedays I am there until closing. This started about six summers ago and started as a hiding place for mom. I am not sure where to begin with this story. In December 2006, we moved to Texas one week before Christmas. We moved here with no friends or family and experienced our first Christmas in Texas alone. Our first New Years in Texas, you guessed it, alone. By May, I was more than a little home sick and was looking for a way to enjoy our new home! I was working at the time from January to May at a restaurant and hadn't made any friends. Most co-workers did not have kids or were still in the party stage. Honestly, I wanted to join them but did know anyone to watch the kiddo and lack of funds kept me at home. Which looking back was the BEST thing for my son and I. I was so lonely but going back to a party life would have not have been a good answer. In Mid April, I even tried a mother's play group at a local park that I read about online. You know one of those sites that is almost like a dating website except for moms who are looking for other moms? Yes I just compared a mom's play group website to a dating website. I emailed a lady and she told me the details and said she couldn't wait to meet my son and I. I showed up to the play group in a ball cap, work out clothes and no makeup! I was just so excited and showed up in my true form! Oh how I wish I received the memo on dressing nice for the park. Anyways, I marched right up to the designated meet up spot, which was hard to do by the way. There were about 11 moms there all looking gorgeous and my confidence was a little shaken but instead of turning and running I continue to walk up to them. I so desperately wanted and needed some friends. I said hello and introduced myself. Only one lady actually looked at me and said hi back. She didn't even say her name. I still wonder if it had been the one I had emailed. I sat down and this is where it gets a little weird. No one spoke or looked at me. About two minutes maybe five minutes later one lady stood and said "well change of plans who is coming to my house?" and with that they all got up and left. No one said good bye or invited me. I think I stayed on the park bench for about an hour and cried. I wonder if I had dressed differently would we had been friends? A bunch of lies entered my head and heart that day. I believe to this day I am so intimated by Texan women. It took years for me to revisit that park. Even now in the midst of bad news I am brought back to feeling like such a failure that day. So in May, I heard about the water park and my heart lifted! We had a water park where I had moved from and it was a lot of fun! I had never been with a kiddo but when I went there with my friends kids were always there. I figured I had to go there. So my boyfriend (now hubby) came home and that night we went and bought a season pass. I think he knew and was willing to do anything to keep me and his son in Texas. My son and I went everyday. He was my best friend. He was what kept me going. We played and played in that water. Funny how the bible talks about living water, and really that summer water is what kept me living. God was providing a healing safe place. We stayed for hours. The lazy river and wave pool seemed to cure my broken heart. My son and I went everyday. Day after day I got out of bed. I would stay there until about 3 and my boyfriend (now hubby) would meet me there and I would go to work. He would stay with the boy and played for hours, too. I believe it was a life saver for our relationship, for him and for me. That summer came to end but now I had something to look forward to. It gave me a glimpse of joy and peace. Waterpark season. It was a long year but my heart ached for the sun and water. The next summer I got a "real" job. But as soon as I got off work you would find us at the water park. Every night and every weekend. I never made friends at the water park. I kept to myself and just got use to hiding there. Hiding from my feelings. Hiding from others. Hiding from reality. Hiding from myself. The water and sun kept me from completely giving up. The summer after, I was pregnant with my daughter and I was put on bed rest. I was worried about it ruining our summer at the waterpark! Seriously. So Memorial Day I was hospitalized and I cried. No waterpark? I couldn't accept it. I was not good with following orders, either. I would still take my pregnant sick body to the water park. My son and I would float and laugh and enjoy the day. Still very much alone. The water once again kept me sane. It kept my daughter in my belly. I know God kept us safe and took me to the water daily. He was still providing healing. A safe place. A fun place. After failed friendships, still feeling so alone, a job that was about to end, a new life joining our family and financial concerns the waterpark became my beacon of hope. I daily went and allowed the water to wash away the ugly darkness that kept trying to take me. He started talking to me that summer. I was having dreams and heard words that I hadn't heard since high school. I was believing in Him again. My daughter came that summer. My son and I were dressed and ready to head to the park but instead the doctor took us to labor and delivery. We left the hospital went to a job interview for me and then headed to the water park. Yea, a job interview. She was four days old but this mommy needed to see the water. Apparently my daughter did too. She was so calm and peaceful. Cleared the jaundice up too. The summer came to an end and once again this mommy counted down until the next summer. So here I am with my son who will be 8 in June and almost four year old and still going to the water park. It's a joke to many friends, but the water park literally became a beacon of hope and living waters for me when I needed it most. The sun kept darkness away. The waters washed away a lot of brokenness. God continued to pursue me and speak to me. He knew exactly want I needed and provided it. A lot had happened in four years. A lot of healing and a lot of heart change but without the waterpark I honestly don't know where I would be today. Even as the water park opened this year there are still parts of me walking out healing, some parts are so much better and I find myself not feeling alone or rejected like years before. The water park feels more like a vacation home this summer and less like I am hiding there. I look forward to going and will continue to go. However with a new attitude of my hope is in Him. He is my beacon of hope, my living waters and my light. I am still so grateful for the time spent in my favorite hiding place but as of today He is my hiding place. My family and I attend a church. It is what some say is a "mega church". The church is huge. We have 5 locations and each weekend, each location has 4 or 5 services. Along with many other activities each week at the different locations.
So how did we get involved in this church? When we first start attending this church, we picked a small church by our house to meet local people and have some friends. We had moved to Texas almost a year prior and we were lonely. Lonely is putting it mildly. We were lost. We needed friends. We needed to be saved. We thought for sure attending this small church by our house we would meet people and not be lonely. We wanted people in our neighborhood. We wanted to meet people with kids so our son would have some friends to grow up with. This little church would do that, it would save us! Little did I know, God was after us. He was after our hearts and a true relationship. Years of healing were about to begin. Our first time ever at this church walls came down. The pastor got on stage to announce the video message we were about to watch and in that moment I swear my hubby and I were the only two in the room. That pastor looked right at us. He never took his eyes off us and said "Sometimes God makes you move (check), He makes you leave friends and families (check, check), He takes you to a lonely place (check), He brings you to a place in your life when all you can do is look down (at this point I am scared...check) So you can look up! So you will meet your creator. So you can meet God, He had take away everything else so you would see he is everything". We hadn't stopped attending since that day. This small church was of course part of this large mega church. After 5 years of attending I know many people and I don't feel like I get lost in the crowd. I always see a familiar face, and always get a hug or two. So I know to others it seems huge and like they are just another number, but for me I can always find a face I recognize. However this didn't happen over night and I got involved. I got plugged in. I have taken more classes than I care to admit. I serve in a lot of different places and still not sure exactly where I am suppose to serve. I enjoy them all. I find myself there 5 days a week. I worked there, volunteered there and have met people through all these different avenues. During this time I have had wonderful life changing moments and I have had some moments that have been down right yucky. There has been a lot of forgiveness, grace and growth. Through it all though, I have always sensed that this church was not where we would be forever. I had mention to my hubby several times that I felt this was just the beginning of something bigger. Being trained for somewhere else. However, most days my insecurities, lack of self confidence and self acceptance I could quickly dismiss that feeling or thought. I know others have said I am called or that God has big plans for me, but most days I just ask God to stop the pain. Most days I just want the heaviness and pressure to leave...so right now I am at the church only cause it is familiar and comfortable. I am not ready to go anywhere else. However He reminds daily how in January He told me "to get comfortable with being uncomfortable" and I have in many areas, but I still had not made any huge big leaps or changes. In January, we felt the urge to try some other churches just to go see what was out there. Honestly we didn't try very hard and we stayed where we were at. This time we got a little more involved. We still had moments we wondered if this is where He wanted us. At one ime it was where He had brought us, and now I couldn't tell anymore.. This small church had been where we stopped looking for that "more to life than this" dream.... Where we are now and who we are now is all because of God. I clearly see how He way back when "tricked" us to come to this small church by our house only so He could unlock our little heart and small mind. He unlocked the little worldly me. He gave us more than just friends that we were seeking.... He saved us. He unlocked us from thinking small and trained us to think big! He did that. He may have worked through the church but He did that and would continue to that wherever He takes us! So in the last few weeks I have been reminded of all that He has done in the last 5 years. The healing. The speaking. The discipline. The words. The people He has placed in my life. I am a work in progress. Not perfect or finished, but have been changing. I am no longer hiding on the back or afraid to say the things He wants me to say. I am in each day learning to care more about who He says I am and less about who others say I am. The last few weeks He has been calling me out on the water... on a new journey. Most of the time I am wanting to look down and instead He reminds me to look up. To remember how far I have come. To trust Him. We have started (again) on the journey of trying some new churches. Finding a new church is hard. When I walk into a new church I feel as though I am cheating on my church. I tend to give myself a pep talk in the parking lot just to help me get out of the car. I am trying to not get angry and to go with an open mind and heart. To try not to compare it. I am not sure where this journey is taking us. He never seems to tell you the end result of the journey. Probably because I may run if he did. Run either from it or run ahead and miss what He has for me. I don't know if this leads us to a new church home or just to try others cause He is teaching us something. Maybe its both. With God leading us and tears in my eyes we go. I will update along the way. Part two:
The little girl waits for her daddy to see her dance at her recital. He never came. The lies start. Am I loved? The young women waits for her mom to take her shopping, or to talk to her about boys. She never turns off the television. The lies get worse. Am I picked? The grown women waits for deep friendships. A job, a purpose, a calling. Her phone to ring. For the invitation. The feeling of the black sheep to disappear. The lies are confirmed. Am I chosen?! I realized this morning there are some questions in my heart and mind lately that I cannot stop asking. Questions I ponder daily. This morning this heart and mind of mine let the pain surfaced. I asked for it. I needed the thoughts and memories to come. Shoving them deep down was not helping me. Making myself not deal and trying to forget was only making these feelings worse. So the memories start flooding to the surface. The pain brought me to my knees. Where do I start? Years ago? Weeks ago? Last night? The list goes on. All has the same theme. Not qualified. Not good enough. A part of me constantly feels like the "d" team. Not part of something. The person on the bottom of the list. Someone who no one ever notices. Like the black sheep. I never feel apart or like I belong. The outsider always looking in. It no longer feels like rejection, but more like an alien in a foreign planet. A social butterfly that floats from one group or another. I am sick of feeling like this. Angry at myself for the years wasted and the lies I have believed. Sad for letting my heart and mind be taken over. Lost on what to do and where to go from here. Break through and healing has been coming. Some things are quick and well others are painfully slowly. Growth and identity are being established. The girl that was in the back row and trying to just survive each day is now determined to find her voice. To find her self worth. To hear who she is. To know that she is loved. To realize that she is picked. To confidently walk like she is chosen. Some days she believes and some days she hides. Part one:
I find myself daily meeting women who in life have had their voice taken from them. Some have had the courage to fight and find their voice again, but sadly many still fight... many still don't even know their voice.... many don't think their voice matters... Many were told when they were little their thoughts or opinions didn't matter. Or that they were stupid. Or that their words didn't make sense. Or maybe no one acknowledge what they had to say. No one ever took the time to listen to them. Some sang that song that came from deep inside...but no one noticed.... Some were at a very young age told to be quiet... To wait... Not now.... I am too busy.... Wait until a commercial....again feeding into the lie that their voice didn't measure up... Maybe as an adult they believed they were Debbie downer....too loud......too quiet. Maybe because they didn't go to college or to the right church so they think they can not join into that conversation.... Their whole life they were silenced because of their past mistakes....Maybe they even believed they were obnoxious.... Crazy....not part of that inner circle.... So at a very younge age they start questioning everything they said or thought. Some as they got older did not want to share to much or say the wrong thing so they just become that quiet girl. Some stopped talking cause they feel or felt they drove others away. That quiet girl stayed quiet. Hiding her thoughts, or emotions, or experiences.... Some women speak and beat themselves up afterwards. "I shouldn't have said that" athem rings EVERYTIME they speak. I was too bold....Too honest....Too open...Too me...Too much..too fast.... Of course that silences their voice even more. Many women start stifling their own voice because someone started that process for them long ago. Many women struggle to find that courage to speak in a group or even to one. Many speak and then go home and beat themselves up for things she said or didn't say..... Their voice dying in the process. This woman is me, maybe you....your neighbor....a girl you know...your best friend...daily she faces the mirror and thinks I have really screwed up this time. Shouldn't have typed that...Said that...Wrote that....Or sometimes she may think why didn't I say that.... Type that...Write that.... Your voice strangled in a variety of ways.... Daily she is her own worse enemy. Daily struggling to put a muzzle on it or to take it off. Daily wondering does my voice even matter? Does anyone even listen....care....see.... often feels like she blew it.... That butterfly that floats in and out... Never really belonging.... Floating.... Waiting.... Growing......... To be continued KGB❤ |